This Time I Don't

I wonder how long you need to know someone until they start to see through you. I mostly wonder about this concerning relationships between two people in love. How many times do they immediately go to hug you when you’re crying? When does it begin to solely be depressing and too usual? How many times do you get to break down and have it still be sweet and cute and innocent? What does it mean when it stops being like that? Can it go on like that indefinitely?  

Sometimes girls hit their boyfriends when they say something rude or surprising or annoying or weird. It looks like it hurts. It’s certainly not a ‘love tap’. And it’s totally not okay for guys to do that to girls. Maybe because they’re really stronger than the girls and can’t control their own strength? I’m not sure.  When does the boyfriend finally say, “Can you stop fucking hitting me?” Or does he just let it go on like that because he loves her or is infatuated with her or something along those lines? 

Maybe people can just tell when you are being genuine. If you’re crying for a good reason then it stamps the word SORROW across your forehead. If you’re yelling because you’re truly hurt or disgusted then the word FURY is flashing in your eyes. But what if someone is just really great at pretending? Or even just pretending to themselves? I sometimes notice that when people drink they become overly emotional. Is that real emotion or is that something else? Are you a truer self when you’re under the influence of some outer force? What if your beloved is also a type of outer force? I like to think that even if sometimes your reactions belie your actual emotions that the person you love will always just go along with it. They’ll take your fake responses and treat them as if they’re the most authentic they’ve ever seen. Because they love you. And maybe you do that for them too. But when and could the words ever be uttered, “But this time I don’t”? This time I don’t believe you. This time I just don’t care. Why do you always need a reason to cry sometimes? Can’t the first tear be reason enough to pull the person you love towards you? I think the less anything happens, the more special it is. I wish it wasn’t that way.